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The Fred Clench Radio Hour Is On Hiatus


Due to an unfortunate on-air incident, the Fred Clench Radio Hour will be on hiatus for an indeterminate period of time.
The following transcript has been turned over to FCC authorities as well as network attorneys for review, and is presented here in its entirety.
Unspoken descriptors have been added by the network attorneys as parenthetical asides, in bold.

FRED CLENCH:
Welcome back to the Fred Clench Radio Hour. We are indeed your source for that which is absolute. That which is undeniable.
I'd like to thank last hour's guest, Dr. Cindy Goonstock, for that in-depth discussion into the history of the word "poontang". We're still getting quite a few calls wanting to debate whether it's roots are Gaelic or Germanic. I think Dr. Goonstock made her case and we should move on. What do you think, Shaggy Joe?

SHAGGY JOE:
Lotta calls on that one. Lotta calls. Most are saying Germanic. I gotta agree.

FRED CLENCH:
My new producer, Shaggy Joe, ladies and gentlemen. Always wanting to give credit to the Krauts.

SHAGGY JOE:
Well, credit where credit's due, Fred.

FRED CLENCH:
Please, Shaggy Joe. It's Mr. Clench. And don't make eye contact with me.

SHAGGY JOE:
I'm sorry, sir.

FRED CLENCH:
Shifting gears a little bit. In this segment I wanted to touch base on the Anthony Weiner situation.

(Boing Sound Effect Played)
(Shaggy Joe laughing hysterically)
(Pregnant pause. 30 Seconds)

FRED CLENCH:
Now, President Obama has decided to weigh in. He says that if he were in Weiner's shoes, he'd resign.

SHAGGY JOE:
You mean, if he had a wiener in his shoe, he'd resign?

(Pregnant pause. 30 Seconds)

FRED CLENCH:
I'll say this once. And I don't expect you to fully grasp what I'm saying, with that decaying, pot-addled raisin you call your medulla oblongata. But if you pay attention and follow the bouncing ball you may just pick up the basic gist of what I'm telling you.
My show doesn't need comic relief. Understand? This isn't the Bongo Johnny and Splat morning zoo, or whatever wacky DJ hack academy you just got booted off of. This is the Fred Clench show. Understand?

SHAGGY JOE:
Sorry, Fred... I mean...

FRED CLENCH:
God dammit...

SHAGGY JOE:
I mean, Mr. Clench. I'm sorry Mr. Clench.

FRED CLENCH:
What did I say about eye contact?

SHAGGY JOE:
Won't happen again.

(Prolonged sigh)

FRED CLENCH:
So what do you think? Give us a call. 1-800-555-FRED. We're talking about the Anthony Weiner debacle...

(Boing sound effect)
(Shaggy Joe tries to stifle a laugh)
(Short pause)

FRED CLENCH:
Horace in Snippets, Wisconsin. What say you?

CALLER HORACE:
Hello? Am I on?

FRED CLENCH:
Yes, Horace. You're on the air.

CALLER HORACE:
Oh, Fred. Love you. Love your show. First time caller, long time listener.

FRED CLENCH:
Didn't I talk to you in the first segment, Horace?

CALLER HORACE:
I don't think so.

FRED CLENCH:
Yes I did. Horace in Snippets. You said "poontang" had Asian origins.

CALLER HORACE:
Look, I don't wanna argue about who said what about "poontang". My point is that if you're gonna take pictures of your penis and send it to underage women...

FRED CLENCH:
Now hold on a second. I'm no fan of Mr. Weiner, but nobody said the women were underage...

CALLER HORACE:
Sure. Whatever. It's all the same to them, though. Liberals are licentious, craven people who want to turn America into Rome just before the fall!

FRED CLENCH:
Amen to that, brother.

CALLER HORACE:
And don't get me started on the coloreds...

(Call is disconnected)

FRED CLENCH:
I didn't quite catch that last comment... we seem to have lost Horace...

SHAGGY JOE:
He said don't get him started on the coloreds.

(Long pause)

FRED CLENCH:
God... dammit. Who, in the name of Man's Salvation, Jesus Christ, in their right mind and free of demonic influence, could have possibly found it within the realm of conceivable reality that assigning you to my show was an appropriate decision?

SHAGGY JOE:
Yeah, I'm starting to think it was a mistake.

FRED CLENCH:
You think? Why the hell are you called "Shaggy Joe" anyway? Your hair isn't that long.

SHAGGY JOE:
Bongo Johnny said I look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

FRED CLENCH:
Oh. I can see that. Makes sense. I guess a hippy can have short hair after all.

(Long pause)

FRED CLENCH:
Caller Kip, from Furry Shoulders, Kentucky. What say you?

CALLER KIP:
Freddy C! My man! First time, long time!

FRED CLENCH:
I have no idea what you're saying caller. Take it down a notch.

CALLER KIP:
Oh. Sorry, man. Your screener told me to be lively.

FRED CLENCH:
Well my screener's an idiot.

CALLER KIP:
Sorry, man. Really. I just wanted to say, "poontang" originated as Spanish slang. It's what the guys in the car clubs would call their ol' ladies when they would take 'em behind an outhouse after winning a drag race.

FRED CLENCH:
For the love of... Kip, what dimension did the glass full of idiot juice you drank from this morning materialize from? We're done with last hour's topic. You wanna talk "poontang", go buy Dr. Goonstock's book! We're talking about Anthony Weiner!

(Boing sound effect)

FRED CLENCH:
God dammit. You play that sound effect one more time and I will cut off your hands, so help me Jesus Harold Christ who was stapled to the side of a barn!

(Boing sound effect played on loop)

SHAGGY JOE:
Eat it, old man! I'm fucking outta here! I quit! Jiggle your ass in here and run the show your damn self!

CALLER KIP:
Holy crap. Shaggy Joe? Is that you man?

SHAGGY JOE:
Kip? That you bro?

FRED CLENCH:
Why aren't my phone controls working? Why can't I hang up on this hippy?

SHAGGY JOE:
Stifle it, tons of fun. I'm having a conversation with my homeboy.

CALLER KIP:
Why you workin' for this ass-cavern, man? What happened to Bongo Johnny?

SHAGGY JOE:
Got popped on statch, man. Little sixteen year old chick came in for the topless carwash. That chick was sixteen goin' on twenty-five, dude.

CALLER KIP:
Oh no, dude. Not the blonde with the tramp stamp of the Chinese symbol for "disposable"?

SHAGGY JOE:
That's her, dude. She said it meant "Opportunity".

CALLER KIP:
Aww, snap, bro. I totally hit that shit!

SHAGGY JOE:
That's a felony right there, bro!  Join the club!

(Sudden thud)
(Shaggy Joe groaning)

SHAGGY JOE:
Oh man. Clench just socked me in the balls.

(Dead Air)