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<< A Healthy Paranoia with Arlo Puttnam

Remove Your Microchipped Molars

Welcome to the first installment of "A Healthy Paranoia" with your host, Arlo Puttnam.

In this segment, I aim to pull back the veil on the vast, sweeping untruths that we are sold every day as American sheep, led to slaughter by a shadow government intent on maintaining power at all costs. And I will accomplish this with news and information on healthy living, such as exercise tips, romantic advice, and delicious low-fat recipes that will have you and the microchips in your back molars asking for seconds!

Today, I'll be showing you how to whip up a mouth watering nougat-based epoxy that will make removal of those molar-ensconced micro-chips such a treat that you'll wish all of your chip-able orifices had the sense of taste!

Now, it's well known that the CIA most often chooses the back molars as a site for chip implantation due to the areas proximity to the brain stem. Depending on the size and ambient hum generated by the chip, you're dealing either with a transmitter or receiver. To put it in layman’s terms, someone is either stealing your thoughts or filling your head with new ones. As a lay person, you may be thinking "great, free thoughts!” But did you know that more often than not, a thought implanted without one's knowledge is done with ill intent? Rarely is the time and cost put into implanting the thought "eat better and start exercising" into someone who could really use it. However, the thought "eat only Doritos and start cruising the local high school for jailbait" is one of the easiest of thoughts to introduce into an unwitting citizen, often requiring little or no hands-on surgical intervention.

The removal of a be-chipped molar is a relatively simple procedure. It can be accomplished with a flat-head screwdriver or a reliable butter-knife. Really, any flat metal object can be easily inserted into the gumline and used to extract the offending tooth. If it doesn't slip in easily, the slight tap of a hammer will finish the job. If a hammer isn't available, a heavy book can be used. When you feel a cold sensation in the middle of your jaw, followed by a sharp, metallic bolt of white-hot pain, you're about half-way there. Once the pain is so intense that it causes a strobe-light effect in your vision and the evacuation of your bowels, you've hit pay dirt. Using the other teeth in your mouth for leverage, simply pry the spying molar out.

Don't be fooled by the appearance of a "normal" tooth. There have been great advances in the back-molar transmitters used by the various intelligence agencies. Chances are, despite the appearance of severed-too-soon nerve endings and blood vessels, there is a deceptively small wire which had been slowly siphoning away everything you learned in grade school. Don't believe me? Quick, without looking it up, say the "Pledge of Allegiance". Pretty difficult, huh?

Now that you've carved a gaping chasm in your jawbone, you're going to want to plug that puppy up. If you thought that the extraction was unpleasant, you'll be very inconvenienced if your new jaw-hole develops into what's known as a "dry socket". This is the condition where raw bone is exposed, the resulting sensation being more unpleasant than being forced to listen to fingernails being scraped on a chalkboard while Miley Cyrus reads aloud from her dream journal. Avoiding a dry socket is our foremost concern in the extraction of a microchip-infused tooth.
For this, we're going to whip up a batch of delicious low-fat Almond Nougat. Here's the recipe:
  • 1 1/2 cups light corn syrup
  • 2 cups granulated sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 cup water
  • 2 large egg whites
  • 1/2 teaspoon almond extract
  • 1/4 cup butter, softened
  • 1 cup toasted coarsely chopped almonds
  • 1/4 cup chopped candied cherries
Step 1: Line the hole in your jaw with butter.

Step 2:
Mix first 4 ingredients in heavy saucepan. Cook, stirring, until sugar is dissolved.   Cook, without stirring, to 250°F (120°C) or until a small amount of the mixture dropped in cold water forms a hard ball.

Step 3:
In a large mixing bowl, beat egg whites until stiff, but not dry.

Step 4:
Gradually pour in 1/4 of the syrup mixture while continuing to beat with electric mixer, until mixture holds its shape. Set aside.

Step 5:
Cook remaining syrup to 300°F (150°C) or until a small amount of mixture separates into hard and brittle threads when dropped in cold water.

Step 6:
Gradually pour remaining syrup mixture into first mixture, while continuing to beat with electric mixer, until mixture holds its shape.

Step 7:
Add extract to tint a delicate shade.

Step 8:
Beat in butter and continue beating until very thick and satiny. Stir in nuts and cherries.

Step 9:
Press into open hole in your jaw, smoothing top. Let your mouth hang open, preferably bringing it to room temperature using a small hand-fan until firm.

The remaining mixture can be poured into a 8x8x2-inch square baking pan with slightly buttered wax-paper or aluminum foil. Once cooled, the pan can be turned and the wax paper peeled away. Cut in 1-1/2 x 1-inch pieces and wrap individually. Store in a cool place for several days.

There you have it. The offending micro-chip has been extracted, and you filled up the remaining hole with a delicious and low-fat, low-sugar confection that will keep your mouth watering for days.

Thanks for stopping by "A Healthy Paranoia". Remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!